My grandma died this morning. We're going up tomorrow since it's a twelve-hour drive so we have time to decompress before the wake and funeral and everything. I would've posted earlier, but I've been kind of a mess today due to anxiety and generally being upset. 

Wasn't sure if I'd even go, earlier, since I was supposed to fly out Saturday to visit ceiranjamie . Problem with that, though, is that my car isn't very reliable and I'm not entirely sure I trust it driving an hour and a half to the airport, which is why the original plan had been that my mom would drive me. Also wasn't sure if I wanted to go since that meant that instead of having about four days to get ready, I only had half a day. 

But, it's family, so it's probably important that I go. And I was able to get my ticket switched so I fly out of Kansas City on Sunday instead, so that'll work okay. It's a day later than I'd planned, but it'll be okay.

Least I'll get to see ceiranjamie this weekend, even if it's a day later than planned. 

If you comment on this post, I shall:

1. Respond with something random about you.
2. Tell you which colour you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you.
4. Tell you what animal you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you.
6. Tell you my favourite thing about you.
7. Tell you my least favourite thing about you.
8. Challenge you to post this on your journal.

Way to fail LJ, way to fail. Changing one's gender =/= serious crime. 

LJ, your cis privilege and transphobia is showing.

I think I'm getting things figured out for summer and the fall. I think I *am* going to go stay in Philly for at least part of the summer, but I think it'd be prudent of me to then come back to Texas and work and retake the classes I failed. That way I can get my gpa up and either return to being a full-time student or transfer somewhere.  

I'd really like to just move and say fuck Texas and everything here, but for the time, energy and money I've already invested in college, it'd be prudent of me to try to finish. 

So tentative schedule:

June-July: Philly
Part of July and/or August: Idaho to visit ceiranjamie 
Mid August: back to Texas, whee. 

Idk, I may change my mind, but this seems the most logical course of action for now. 

Holidays with my family make me depressed. They're supposed to be times of family and love, especially this one, and it's hard when I know my family's love is only conditional on my not transitioning. 

Either I transition and lose them, or I don't and I lose myself. It's that simple and that painful. No wonder I'm so depressed. 

I  keep feeling like I'm stuck on a precipice in the darkness. There's no way to go but forward, but I can't see where I'm going and there's sheer cliff to either side of me. If I falter any, I'll fall down, and for all I know, there may be a cliff ahead too, but I can't see it. I can't stop and I can't go back, so there's nothing I can do but keep stumbling forward, hoping beyond hope that the path will level out and the darkness will lift so I can see where I'm going. 

I feel alone, utterly alone, and fear I've become irrelevant to everyone. It seems most of the people I know are moving on with their lives and I'm still stuck, and maybe this is where I need to be, but it's hard when I see people transitioning and moving on with their lives and I can do nothing because I keep holding on to some dim hope that my parents will be okay with my transition.  

And the idea of moving away from here is really what's kept me sane for a long time, knowing that some day I'll be in a better environment and things will hopefully be better overall, but I'm starting to wonder if that'd even be the case or if I'm hoping too hard. I'm afraid that I'll move and end up just as depressed and alone, and end up hating myself all the more for doing it. Of course, I know I won't know for sure until I try it, but it's a worry I have. 

I don't know. I'm terrified and lonely, and afraid I'll do something I'll regret, but I don't even know what I'd do.

I've been doing better lately than I have in ages, despite family being about usual or perhaps slightly worse. 

Went off the anti-depressant I was on (celexa) as it wasn't doing anything, and after the week or so of withdrawal started feeling immensely better. I seem to be able to concentrate better now, and I'm just better able to cope in general. 

Also been making more concrete plans towards moving. The idea of moving east has been there for a while, but I've not been really ready until now. Finances aside, I think it's okay that I didn't move earlier because I've had a lot that I've been working through during the past few months, and I think now I'll be able to move and leave things behind and be okay with that. I keep trying to work things out with my family and keep hoping that somehow they'll magically become okay with my being trans, and that doesn't look likely. I really probably just need to be away from them for a while and live my own life, and hope they can see that I'm happier as *me*, not as the idea of me that they keep trying to push on me.

I'm hopefully going to be able to get a full time job at my church for the next month or so, which should give me enough to move on. As much as I'd like to be able to just move *now*, that's not really an option, but at least if I'm away from my family during the day that'll help a little. 

Even though sometimes it feels like I've not progressed at all in the past year or so, I think I have. I've gradually become more mature and able to handle life, and I'm slowly getting more able to be okay. And really, that's all I've ever asked for, to be able to be okay. If I can manage that, I think I'll be okay. :3

 My life is kind of a mess right now. My parents aren't happy with me, I'm pretty sure I'm failing my classes, and I have no fucking clue what to do. 

I can't move because I owe my parents money and don't have the money to move. 
I could go back to my university and finish up, but that means sucking up to my parents so they'll cosign on loans because I can't get loans on my own. 
I could stay here, but there's nothing I could really do unless I just got a job and worked. But I can't stay here any longer, my family is against my transition, and it's just kind of a negative environment. 

So pretty much my only option at the moment is to go back to school. It's not the best option, but it's sort of okay because I'll at least be away from my parents and on my own again, even if it's not where I'd prefer to be. 

But that means still being stuck in Texas for another year and a half or so, with my transphobic family and at a university known for being very much conservative and not friendly to anyone who doesn't fit the norm. It's probably the best option I have at the moment, but it's not all that great. 

I don't know, I suppose I'm just mostly tired, physically and emotionally. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of my family always making comments like "you're pretty as a girl, but you wouldn't be attractive as a guy" or "I just don't want you to become one of *those* people", referring to anyone gender-variant. And it'll probably be better once I'm at college and away from that, but it's still difficult as fuck.

I want to not be alone anymore, I want to not have to fight every. fucking. thing. I want to be okay, for once in my life. I want to not be a freak, to not always be the awkward kid that never fit in. I want to be myself, whoever that is. I want to know that I'm accepted for who I am, and not for the image I project because that's what people expect me to be. I want to be a son, not the daughter I never really was. I want my mom to understand that I'm still her child and I still love her, and that *nothing* will ever change that. I want my mom to understand that if I end up hating her, it'll be because she's the one hating who I am. I want to feel warm and secure. I want some place that's *home*, not just somewhere that I live. I want to know that things'll turn out okay somehow, no matter what. I want to know that I'm not just trudging along for nothing, that I'm not just borrowing time I don't have for nothing. I want to have a purpose, to know that there's something I'm supposed to be doing. I want a happily-ever-after some day. 

I don't know, I suppose I'm just tired of everything. Maybe someday I'll figure things out.

Reposted from jamiethegrey:

If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked, tie them to a bed post, lick them until they scream, then fuck them until both of you are senseless and unable to fuck anymore, then wait about five minutes and do it all over again, then post this exact sentence in *your* journal.




Eheheheheheheh >.>

 I am, as a rule, generally a very optimistic person. I operate under the idea that all will be well, somehow, no matter how grim things may look at the moment. I also always try to look for the best in any situation, and like to believe that no matter how dire things may seem, there's always hope somewhere, should you choose to look for it.

And since it's Saturday and I've not been doing anything else worthwhile (even though I should be >.>), I was thinking about this and realized that I'm optimistic because I *need* to be. My optimism has developed as a survival tool, more than anything else. I need to know that all will be well, that I'm not just struggling aimlessly towards an uncertain future. I need to know that I'll be okay some day, because even though I'm better now than I have been in ages, I'm still not really okay. I can't be a pessimist, because if I were, I probably wouldn't be here right now. There have been a few times where I've only pulled through through sheer force of will because I was able to convince myself that how I was then wasn't the end all be all, that I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life as miserable as I was. I have definite tendencies towards depression, and I know I'd be in a much worse state were I not so optimistic. 

On the flipside, though, I'm positive because it's much more pleasant to look at the world that way. To think that, yes, there are horrible things that happen every day and every second in our world, but there's also a whole world of goodness out there as well. Because there's always good people doing good things, even and especially when we least expect it. 

Maybe this is all obvious to other people and I'm the only one just now thinking about it, but, well, that's how it goes, I suppose. Anyway, it's all good.